Blows after a victory

Well, the general consensus after the conference was that it was one of, if not the, best conference many of the students could remember. They talked about not only did they have fun but they learned a lot and were reminded about a lot of important things that can radically change their walks. I love getting to hear those testimonies because it really does make the sleepless nights, the ulcers, and the nails bitten down way too far totally worth it (ok, those may have been slight exaggerations but only slight ones).

Of course, after the conference was over, I knew that I needed to prepare for the things that could be coming my way to basically 1) either dampen my excitement and forget the joy of it or 2) humble me and make sure that I wouldn't exalt myself through it all. I kind of expected it to be something from the outside, you know someone close to me experiencing pain or suffering, or something physical like me needing to be in another cast. But low and behold, it really seems like it's more internal struggle this time. I've been surprised lately hearing about just how many people refer to me always smiling and having joy, which is cool because I never realized that the Spirit manifested Himself in such a clear way in my life. But really starting today, I've basically fallen into a deep pit of thinking that no matter how busy I am, no matter how many people I'm pouring into, no matter how many Bible studies I'm teaching, I still feel... I guess the only word to describe it would be: Alone. I yearn for depth in my relationships, I crave times when I can talk to people about what unreal things God is teaching me and revealing to me in his word, but I look at everyone's lives around me that are so full of their own things and that seems like it's not really possible, and as I'm in this rather gnarly self-absorbed "woe is me" moment of feeling oh so very alone it's basically a very foreign place for me. I realize and recognize that God is so in control right now as I'm going through this time, that He is with me even in the times when I feel so alone that I can't breathe, that "this too shall pass". But I wouldn't stay true to my transparent nature if I didn't convey to you this very real struggle in my life right now. I know it corresponds to the conference for the very reasons that I listed at the beginning of this paragraph, and so I get that. But boy does it hurt. I just can't imagine people who go through times like this who don't have Christ in their lives, and I rejoice in His promises, faithfulness, and comfort that even in the midst of this time, He's still reminding me about.