Helpless (that I can't do anything in myself to fix what's happening around me).... emptied (of everything that is of me) ....broken (not just a scratch or crack but shattered of my self)....weary (without any of my strength left.... those four words pretty much sum of how I'm feeling right now.
On that happy note let me say that one of THE biggest struggles of being on the mission field is being away from your family when they're going through tough times and for the past couple of months my family has had to deal with a lot (well, actually the past year.... but the past couple of months have been crazy). I'm having to come to the end of myself and realize that what I am forced to do here is really the only good thing I can be doing to help my family no matter where I'm at and that thing is pray. Pray to the one who's the Great Physician knowing He knows exactly what's wrong and if He wants to, can heal in the blink of the eye. I can't run tests, give diagnoses, or treatments, but I can pray and I can trust that He knows what He's doing.
My family facing their own struggles is just part of what God is using in my life to bring me to my knees right now, there are several other things happening but again, I'm not writing this to provoke sympathy or any real response, I'm writing this to in my own small way encourage those who may be hurting and can identify with those words that define life right now. It seems as of late that I've frequently reached bottom, on a fairly consistent basis I find myself literally crying out to God asking Him for strength, asking Him to heal, and just "casting all my burdens unto Him" 1 Peter 5:7. And it's in the midst of those rock bottom times when He shows time and time again that "if we are faithless, He will remain faithful" 2 Timothy 2:13. I know it may sound somewhat like your typical answer but what God used David and the other writers of the Psalms to do was just yet another thing that shows He is, "The Father of compassion and the God of all comfort," 2 Corinthians 1:3b. As I begged Him to speak to me through His Word, He really blew me away with meeting me where I was at in just my normal reading through Psalms. One time it was Psalm 31 and He reiterated His goodness and how I need to trust and wait on Him. And then today He spoke so clearly yet again in the classic Psalm 51 and it was verse 17 that hit me the hardest, "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Let me tell you, reading that when you're really broken gets your attention. People say that God, Jesus, religion is a crutch... I'd say "AMEN!" to that because He is that and so so much more. If I didn't have Him in my life, I don't even want to think about what would be happening. I can see how so many hurting people turn to drugs, alcohol, and relationships to try and ease the pain and make sense of things because they don't know they have a God, Father, Savior, Friend who cares infinitely more for them than anyone ever will. I praise Him for how in the midst of the tears, He is there, in the midst of the confusion, He is there, in the midst of the pain, He is there. And it all is a part of His ultimate purpose to conform me into the perfection He calls me to.
I'll just end this with kind of the reverse of my opening paragraph. Yes, I'm feeling helpless, but HE knows what He's doing and is God Almighty. Yes, I'm feeling emptied, but He's bringing me to that point to fill me with Him. Yes, I'm feeling broken, but He's there to put me back together and this time without my nasty, gnarly disgusting flesh that keeps me from knowing Him the way He wants me to. And yes, I'm weary, but He calls me to come to Him and He will give me rest.
Bottom line... it's about HIM, not about me. It's about His glory, His perfection, His plan, His timing. Not mine. Days like today definitely leave scars, but they're the good kind, the kind that remind you of your desperate need for Him and how He so faithfully, tenderly, and powerfully heard my cries for help and reached down to pull me to Him.
The good, the sometimes bad, and the occasional ugly truth of all that is happening in and around me while serving in Jinja Uganda as a missionary with Calvary Chapel.
1 comment:
Kelli,
This is from a friend of your family. I was good friends with your mom in junior high and your Aunt Kathy from junior high through high school. My brother and your dad were best friends in high school. So I feel like I know you! I've had several friends from a couple of Calvary Chapels in Colorado Springs go to Uganda. They were all blessed by their trips. I am just dropping you a line of encouragement. We serve an awesome God who knows exactly what you are going through. He loves you more than you can imagine. I know it's easier said than done to just put on a happy face when you're going through rough times. I am praying that He will give you peace amid the turmoil.
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