A caffeine induced blogging escapade

So normally caffeine doesn't really phase me...it may or may not have to do with the fact that I pretty much drink straight espresso on a daily basis...but that's besides the point. Between the double macchiato, a very large to-do list, and a heavy heart due to some stuff happening back in the States, I decided what a better time than now to kind of process things via the ever so personal medium that we refer to as "a blog".

The last post I made was about the struggles of the weeks before. I wish that I could say that life got easier after that, but honestly, if anything, it got worse. It really did just seem like everything was falling apart and I don't know if I have ever been so close to just wanting to throw in the towel as I had been over these past two weeks. I could blame it on a variety of external factors that triggered all of the discouragement, but really, if I were to be brutally honest with myself, it was all self-inflicted. Now, I don't want to downplay the fact that there were other "forces" at work, but really I think the thing that got hit the hardest through all of this was my pride. I realized that the reason why I was struggling so much was because I was wanting to be "the golden child" and not for God's glory at all, but purely for mine. For people to be able to say, "Remember when Kelli had to run things, she did such an awesome job! It was the best furlough time EVER!" It wasn't for the good of the mission or the work of the ministry, it was because I wanted to add another notch to my belt of things I could do well. Even now, just typing it nauseates me. I never necessarily did anything flat out sinful on the outside, but on the inside...oh man! I would get easily frustrated, upset, etc... because people weren't seeing things my way or listening to me or respecting me (you like all those personal pronouns there?). I loved hearing "wow Kelli! You've got so much going on and you're doing such a great job"...I could just feel myself being blown up like one of those punching bag balloons... then the other day... that balloon popped...big time! I just thank God that I finally listened and allowed my eyes to be opened to how I'm not "God's gift to humanity", but honestly, a lot of times He uses me to test people's patience and grace even more than they test mine.

I'm reminded of how with teenagers they tend to act like they know everything but in reality they know nothing and they have a little bratty attitude about it all... yup that's been me. I've told people that I've been in a perpetual bad mood for the past three months, when really I've just been acting like a big brat to a lot of people. The taste of it all is just bitter and all I want to do is spit it out...I pray that I remember how nasty I feel right now and that whenever I think I'm "all that and a bag of chips", I better get ready. The Scripture of "take heed lest you fall" is definitely one that defines this season - you think you're above certain things, that you're the authority, that you're "too holy to do that", when really you're already walking right into that very sin you think you're above.

I guess the moral of the story is that I've been to the woodshed, and I pray that I learned my lesson, because this was not fun!