Pain

Pain...many times we identify with it the most when it's the physical kind...but more than a broken bone or cut or a scrape or sickness, the pain that seems to be the worst is when it's your heart that hurts. As I'm writing this, I'm wishing I could convey to whoever may be out there reading this the pain that's in my heart right now. Our poor compound family has had a really tough weekend. And we're all pretty much at a loss of how hard things have been over the past couple of days. Don't get me wrong, we know God is sovereign and knows what He's doing, but the fact that it's all happening at once is pretty killer.

The first thing that we're dealing with is finally saying goodbye to JB and his family. Over the past couple of weeks his three oldest kids have already gone because of school, but it was JB, his wife Grace, and the two smallest ones - Aryanna and Zoph - who left us this weekend. We had a party for JB on Saturday that I think went really well and I hope that family felt the love that we all have for them. Then yesterday afternoon we all were a part of the massive load up of everything to be moved. Then by 6:30 JB headed out to his new home in Pajule while his wife and babies waited until this afternoon to go because they were able to ride with a missionary instead of on a moving truck. Hearing JB teach his last sermon and saying goodbye to our "Baba" was so hard as he has been a constant on this compound for so long.

I was very close to JB and Grace, but it was their 3 1/2 year old, Aryanna, whose leaving is really doing me in right now. See, a thing I commonly tell people is that "I don't believe in small children", I know that sounds terrible, but I just don't handle them very well and basically treat every kid like they're 30. Ever since I came here 2 1/2 years ago, Aryanna has been the exception to that. You can ask anyone, that little girl is so unbelievably bright! She and I would have more intelligent conversations than I have with some adults :). She is precious and jam packed with awesome personality. She and I would both refer to each other as one another's best friends. I seriously would tell people that my best friend is a 3 year old, we seriously have such a special bond. She was my buddy to run errands with and just hang around with. I loved getting to yell up to her, "Baby Gallow!" and hear her precious little voice from upstairs go, "Yes!?" And then to hear her say, "Kelli, Kelli, Kelli..." in that same voice. She had the best manners and I could seriously go on and on about that kid. This morning as I was having my quiet time I started to hear her singing from upstairs and I went up there and she said how she had been looking for me. We ended up spending pretty much the whole day together after that. We read books, painted nails, colored, and just hung out. I was actually surprised that I kept it together that whole time (to God be all the glory on that one!). Finally, when it came time to say goodbye to her I broke... crouching down and telling her how much I loved her and asking her my favorite question of "who loves you?" and her response every time is "Kelli". Oh man... the pain.

To add to that already deep pain, my other girl who is yet another one of those one in a billion kinds of kids, Nazziwa, has been in the hospital for two days. This morning while I was with Aryanna I was informed that she may not make it. Her fever was just too high and she was showing no real improvement after a night full of treatment and her whole body was stiff. This little girl is seriously the strongest most amazing kid you'll ever meet. She's struggled her whole life with pain and sickness, she experiences pain that none of us could dream of bearing. She is 9 (her 10th birthday is on Wednesday) and her little arms are seriously as big as two of my fingers. She's got fire though and you can see her fighting when you see her in the hospital. She's doing better tonight than she was this morning but it's still touch and go. Knowing that girl could be going Home causes yet another element of the pain that was already in my heart.

I'll admit it's a challenge right now to not get overwhelmed by the pain and the questions as to "why?". It's hard not to have the knee-jerk reaction of just putting up a very big wall and keep myself from getting close to anyone. It's hard remembering God's promises of His faithfulness in times when you can do absolutely nothing to help the feelings of pain and loneliness. It's hard to remember that this too shall pass and that this is just bringing me into a closer relationship with Christ. I guess that's where I need to lean on that one big promise that "Even when we are faithless, He is faithful". But I'll be the first to tell you... it hurts and if this was all going down and I didn't have His promises and even the hope of how He's in control, I don't think I could deal with this... seriously... At least I can remember that He sees the tears, hears the prayers, and knows the pain.