Beautifully Broken

So as my previous post indicated, this season of life is very easily the most difficult season I think I've had to go through, with the one possibility of the time when I moved to Africa. But moving to Africa was different, because I had difficulty due to how I was bucking against God's will and had a rebellious heart, this time it's not so much a sin issue and being chastised, but it's more one of those times of being sifted. I've seriously been so unbelievably broken this past week, and just down right depressed.

The catalyst for this difficult season is having one of my best friends moving to a different part of Uganda. He's been a vital part of my life since I moved here and we seriously have done everything together. Now that he's moving, it's seriously rocking my world in ways that I didn't expect. On top of that, I have the other people who I'm closest to either planning on moving or going back to the States for a short period, but they're leaving nonetheless. Yesterday, Ryan left for his vision trip to Karamoja. He's going to be gone for five days and then after he gets back he and his team will tie up a couple of things here on the Jinja side and then set out there for good. Because I know after he gets back his mindset will be totally changed and focused on leaving, yesterday was pretty much saying goodbye to how things used to be. As we said goodbye and then as he pulled out of the drive way, I'm surprised the breaking in my heart didn't make some sort of audible sound. I had to go to my house and I just sobbed, I know it's not pretty, but it's the truth. The rest of the day I was just so exhausted, I couldn't smile, and I had no appetite. I was in bed by 9:30 and just dreading what the rest of the week may hold as the loneliness crept into my heart and I seriously was having almost an anxiety attack as I laid in my bed thinking about him and everyone else leaving.

This morning I woke up to the terrible feeling that accompanied the remembrance of him being gone. The hunger was still not there and I wasn't sure if I could be a functioning member of society. I began my quiet time with just the cry that God would teach me this week and that the pain would not be in vain and that the lessons He would teach me would be so rich that it takes some people years or even a life time to learn them. Part of my morning routine is to try to make my way through the Bible in a year, but I've been kind of slacking in that area lately, but it's funny because God was even in that. I opened up my Bible to find where I had left off, and it "just so happened" to be in 1 Kings 19. This is the famous chapter about Elijah and how he had run from Jezebel after his victory at Mount Carmel. I had known and loved and related to this story before, but never to the raw extent that I did today. God seriously just met me in such a real way and it was absolutely awesome!

God began dealing with Elijah with saying how Elijah should wake up and eat because the journey ahead was going to be a difficult one - God knows this next season that I'm at the cusp of is going to be incredibly difficult, but He's called me to take of His spiritual food in order for me to have the strength to endure through it. God could have spoken to Elijah then and there to tell him what to do, but he had Elijah travel 40 days to reach the mountain - God could just try and tell me what He wants me to learn right now, but there's some tenderizing that needs to be done in order for me to really soak up and be sensitive to the lessons He'll be teaching me throughout and at the end of this whole thing. He also just asks Elijah, "What are you doing here Elijah?" and Elijah responded with how rejected and alone he felt - This morning God was basically asking me that same question, "What are you doing here Kelli?", and I had been giving him the same response of feeling alone. After God asked Elijah that question the first time, after the wind, the earthquake, and the fire, God spoke to him through that gentle whisper - God was speaking to my heart with that whisper this morning, those words of instruction, comfort, and encouragement to endure. Then God informed Elijah that he's not alone at all but there are people God has raised up to help in his cause and that there were 7,000 people who were still loyal to him - I'm not really alone, God has placed other awesome people in my life in order to take care of me and be His hands and voice during this trying time, I just have to remember that and be thankful that I have them around. Even just people sending me e-mails from around the world encouraging me through this time has proven just how not alone I really am.

After I finished reading that chapter, I was absolutely astounded at just how much God had met me where I was at and ministered to my heart. I felt a tangible weight being lifted off of my heart and it was a lot like after David's son that he had with Bathsheba died because of their sin. After the baby died, David got up and washed up and ate food because God's answer had come. After that time this morning, I was able to get up, go to the gym, and jump back into ministry.

The moral of the story is that His mercies truly are new every morning and although the sorrow may last for the night, the joy comes in the morning. I know that I will struggle, mourn, and face pain during this season, but it's these lessons that God taught me today that I just need to cling to with all of my might and give me the strength for the journey. Whoever says we don't have a real, personal, loving God needs to just have a little convo with me because He is truly an awesome God!