A cloudy night

So before I really get into this post, I feel I should inform you about a couple of things about me: 1) I find the greatest joy to just look at the night sky and 2) I'm pretty much broken right now and very much emotionally exhausted. This is not the time to tell you what all has been going on in life lately, just know it's been a daily battle and that there are times when I haven't felt more alone. Oh wow! Even just typing that, I realize that's probably a little too deep for a blog post, but if you know me at all, you know that's how I roll. The funny thing is that I'm probably more transparent through this blog than I am even in person. Here, I don't have to respond to blank stares or the knowledge of the 50,000 more important things going on in the person's life who I'm trying to share with, so please just bare with me and do with this what you will.

Now with that little bit of background, today was probably one of my most emotionally low days I've had in recent memory. I seriously broke in a way that I have never broken before. There are a lot of things that are happening right now that are happening at the same exact time, and I'll admit I just don't quite know how to deal with all of it. It's been one of those times of being in a valley so to speak, where I've even tried to seek comfort/encouragement/ and even rebuke from various resources and for some reason, it just wasn't coming. I mean I know the verses, people have prayed for me, I am trying to hold onto God's promises of how He'll never leave me nor forsake me and how there's nowhere I can go that He's not there with me. I totally know those things, but it's another thing to actually live those things out and just trust in Him through it all, even when you don't "feel" like you're close to Him.

After an emotionally draining afternoon, we had an awesome dinner with the Jinja and ABQ crew and I just wish I was in a better frame of mind to really enjoy it. Coming home tonight, I just had to put on some music and knew I needed to just seek God more on how to try to make it through this time. I finally had the lightbulb go off of going outside to spend some time just seeking Him from there to try and get the right "perspective" on things. Well, I bundled up and put on some bug spray and went outside to chill on the benches on our church veranda - which just happens to be about 5 feet away from my porch. I went outside to find that there were no stars because there were clouds covering the entire sky, but there was still a full moon. So I still just laid down and just cried out to God acknowledging just how far I felt from Him and just how desperately I needed him to be with me through this time.

Well, as I was just kind of waiting for some sort of answer, although I didn't really realize that's what I was doing, I looked up into the sky I was watching the clouds move and sometimes they would cover the moon. And it was just so crazy because it was like God was just so clearly speaking to my heart saying "Kelli, you see how those clouds come and cover the moon, but then they move away and you can see the moon again? Well, that's what this season is for you, 'this too shall pass' just like those clouds. Sometimes those clouds hang around for a short time, other times they stick around and almost hide the moon entirely, but they're still moving and just wait a few minutes and they'll go away." That's exactly what I needed to hear, knowing that this won't last forever, it's temporary and more importantly, God has His plan in when and why He brings those "clouds". I still have bloodshot eyes and know that the tears will most likely continue to flow over the coming weeks, but just that comfort he gave me looking into that sky, gives me the hope that I need to endure through these various trials with the hopes that at the end of this summer, I will be closer to being "perfect and complete lacking nothing".