Sunday, October 12, 2014

One year....

It has been one year. One year since the bomb went off that destroyed life as I knew it, the happy little life that I had come to love was shattered early afternoon of October 12, 2013. I remember every detail so vividly it takes my breath away. I remember the conversations, the people, the panic, the cries, and the devastation as I felt everything crumble around me. I remember how I heard the news, and then I had to go to a Scripture Union (Bible Club) hand over party I had promised to attend and couldn’t back out even though my life, my future and my hopes were shattered. I remember insisting on teaching youth group because in my mind that was all I had left to cling to. I remember crying trying to pray with my students before the service began trying to keep it together while not knowing that several of them had already heard the news. (I want to clarify that my husband did not cheat on me or hurt me… so please don’t think that about him).I remember teaching those students I had spent years pouring into and seeing God do unbelievably amazing things in and through and not knowing if I would ever get to teach them again. I remember the amazing friends who cried with me and prayed with me. I remember thinking that I never knew what it was like to wail until that night. I remember waking up the next morning to realize it was a reality and not a terrible nightmare. I remember the decision being reached that it was best for me to come back to the States. It has been one year…

As I write this with tears welling up in my eyes and the pit still in my stomach and the ache in my heart that has still not gone away, I could write of the agony and the pain of this past year where I’ve known loneliness and misery that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. But then God whispers “how would that bring Me glory?” Have I hurt… yes, have I cried more that I’ve ever cried in my life… yes. Do I still feel like I’m lost and wondering…. Yes. Is God still faithful… yes. Is God still compassionate… yes. Is God sill good… yes. Are His plans and timing still perfect… yes.

As Jesus says, “the rain falls on the just and the unjust”. The storms come, but the question is will you dance in the rain? Will you endure through the storm with hurricane force winds and rain in anticipation of the amazing rainbow?

Even in this storm, as I’ve written before, I’ve seen God’s faithfulness in the most precious and intimate of ways. The people He’s placed around me… the people who I know and the others I hear my parents say “I saw so and so… they say they don’t know what’s going on, but they’re praying for you.” To every last person God has used to intercede on my behalf, the be His arms and His voice…. I want to say thank you. To every person who chose not to gossip or speculate or slander.... I want to say thank you. To everyone who sought to deal with this situation biblically and with maturity… I also want to say thank you. And above all else, I want to praise God for the family He’s put around me and those friends who are like family. I feel like I literally have the most amazing family on the planet and I don’t know if words can ever tell them how much I appreciate their faithful, patient love as I’ve had to talk things out and seriously go through my own sort of morning process.

I honestly can’t believe it’s been one year. But still I trust… still I hope… still I wait…


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