Another tough chapter

As I'm writing this, I'm sitting in my little apartment with my little tree and white lights listening to Christmas music after spending the evening watching a Christmas movie. Needless to say it's been a good night, but there is one looming element that I've failed to mention, I'm typing this one handed because my other hand is in a cast (so if there are some gnarly typos, just blame it on the cast). Now, you may be asking "Kelli, did't you like JUST get your other cast off?" And you would be right...it hasn't even been four months since I've been out of my cast that was on my foot. Six months ago I had a little retreat right after my birthday and I knew the upcoming year was going to be intense...I just had no idea how intense. Now after two casts, my grandma passing away, friends leaving, and a few other things, I can honestly say it's been the hardest six months of my life. I had mentioned that I went to Kenya a couple of weeks ago and while I was on that trip I seriously told people that I felt like another tough season was coming right as I felt I was finishing with this last one, and I must admit that has been confirmed in one huge way.

Now, you may be asking how I ended up with this newest cast...The other day, I was walking and trying to text (not a wise idea here in Uganda) and I didn't see a drainage ditch and fell pretty hard scraping up my hands and my knees, and as it turns out doing some damage on one of the tendons on my left thumb. Now, I get to be in a cast for at least the next two weeks.

I wish I could tell you that I'm "rejoicing always", "counting it all joy", etc... but honestly, I've very much struggled with having a good attitude through this latest trial. Believe me, I know God is using this to make me into the servant he desires me to be, but I've already caught myself saying "God. Seriously?!" And things continue to be coming up that are just adding to the difficulty of trying to not allow myself to wallow in self pity. I feel bad because my friends, family, and all of you who read this blog have heard me whine about this killer season of breaking and honestly, a lot of me doesn't even want to talk about it anymore because I figure people have enough on their plates than to hear me gripe about yet another hurdle, I guess though that's why I'm just putting it out here to just humbly ask for your prayers that I would glorify God even in the trials, especially with my attitude. Nights are the worst because the loneliness, helplessness, and hopelessness seems to get magnified exponentially.

So needless to say I need a lot of prayer right now: my focus, perseverance, attitude, for Him to increase my faith, to learn what I need to, and that during this Christmas season I would be reminded that life is not about me, but it's about Him.

Life...

“I was without happiness for this life, and without hope for the next.”

It’s funny how you could read all sorts of deep and intellectual books but then the simplest of statements are what stop you in your tracks. I’m reading an awesome book right now on the Cross and in it gave the above statement from a man who used to be an agnostic who then had gotten saved. It so simply yet powerfully stated what I know many (even some who are reading this right now) people feel right now. This, in a sentence, describes the unbeliever who doesn’t know the awesome thing that it is to have a true RELATIONSHIP with Christ.

If this sentence could describe you right now when you really look at your life, then I humbly ask you to surrender to Him and call upon Him as your Lord and Savior. He’s not some bully with a magnifying glass, He’s not some distant cosmic force that has no effect on our lives today, He is our God and our Savior who loved us enough to put skin on and be beaten and crucified to save us so we could be with Him.

This is a season filled with talk of trees, snow, presents, family gatherings, and many people have little or no relationship with the One who the season was originally meant to celebrate. This is a time that’s not just about the manger, but the cross, and even more so the empty tomb. He was born to die so we could have life.

I realize this post is a little (or a lot) on the “preachy” side... but you can blame it on my day job :). This is written from love and God breaking my heart for those who don’t truly know Him. It’s not from a judgmental, finger pointing view point merely a plea to whoever out there who may come upon this would desire to have the sentence that began this post to truly have the word “WAS” in it. In Him we can have joy, know HIs unconditional love and have that beautiful little word...hope.

A random pondering

Have you ever looked back at your life and it doesn’t seem like it was really your life? That those things never really happened? Those things, events, and people seem more like a dream rather than something that actually took place? That’s kind of what I’ve been feeling like lately as I look back at the chapters in my rather short 24 years of life. Thinking of birthday parties, field trips, vacations, surgeries, heart breaks, ministries, jobs, apartments, mission trips, classes, weddings, funerals, conversations, even friends… all of them individually seemed to be things that were earth shattering, life changing things but now I can barely remember any of the details. I guess that goes to show us that the things that seem that way are just small parts of who and what God uses to make us into the people He desires us to be. It helps to think that this life is not all there is. That eternity is so much more than what we get cards, presents, or coffee dates for. I’m so glad that I can have rest in the hope of something more than what I can touch, see, talk to is awaiting me after I’ve lived another 50 years or so (if He does not tarry).

Warren Weirsbe got it right when he said,

"The trials of life are not all alike; they are like variegated yarn that the weaver uses to make a beautiful rug. God arranges and mixes the colors of experiences of life . The final product is a beautiful thing for His glory."

Seeing the light

Blogs are a funny thing… some people use them as somewhat of a newsletter, others a journal, and to for me it’s kind of a menagerie of synopsis of events, thoughts, struggles, etc… I haven’t written truly in some time, because well honestly, I have issues trying to make sense of everything in my own mind let alone trying to put it down to express it to others. I continue writing about seasons, storms, and the struggles I’ve been facing lately and honestly maybe some of why I’ve stopped writing is because nothing had really changed. The last blog that I posted with that poem couldn’t be more apropos considering what had comprised my existence as of late.

For those of you who are Bible teachers, you can understand when I say that everywhere I look, I tend to think in illustrations. I have just gotten back from a trip to Kenya and part of that time I was able to spend looking at the vast expanse of the Indian Ocean. And while doing so, I couldn’t help but think that the ocean was rather synonymous with my future. To me, the ocean is big, full of unexpected things, some of them beautiful, some of them that could cause you pain, and some beautiful things that also cause pain. It’s full of unknowns, you fear getting swept away, and being pulled under… but in the grand scheme of it all as you look at it, it’s breathtakingly beautiful. As I said, that’s basically my way to summarize my outlook on my future. I have absolutely no idea what God’s going to bring in this upcoming year. I know there will be things that hurt, but at the same time there will be things that make life a little more beautiful. I’m afraid that I’ll be swept away, but I also know that I have God’s promises of how He’s with me through it all and in the end I will hopefully be found, “perfect and complete lacking nothing”. And really, in the end, I know that when I look back on my life, if I allow God to be the one in control, it too will be a beautiful thing that God will use for His glory.

Another thing that I’ve come to understand continues along the lines of storms. It had been raining pretty non-stop these past couple of days, and it seriously was kind of a tangible depiction of what was going on in me, especially this week. But with the darkness and the rain, there’s also the reassurance that it won’t last forever and just as the clouds parted and the sunshine came through, the same thing happened with a majority of what’s been causing a lot of my pain lately.

Hopefully now, you’ll get to read a little more uplifting posts from me, but really I guess this is life. We all experience trials, heart break, confusion, and that’s no different when you’re on the mission field. Another thing that doesn’t change is that we have a heavenly Father who loves us, carries us, and as we’re getting battered by the storms, he’s there to clean us up. Last night in the middle of a rather sleepless night, I listened to a podcast and in the middle of it there was a quote about how God isn’t about pampering us, but about perfecting us and that doesn’t happen if you’re constantly on “calm seas”. Oh how I pray that I would remember the lessons He has taught me through this turbulent but precious time.

An awesome little poem

Over these past couple of weeks, I've continued to be in a rather introspective mood, and there will be more posts detailing some of those thoughts and revelations, but for now, I'm going to give a quote that pretty much touches on some of what God's been teaching me:

As children bring their broken toys,
With tears for us to mend.
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because He was my friend.

But then instead of leaving Him
In peace to work alone,
i hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go."

Author Unknown

Opportunities

This morning, I finished the book of Ephesians in my quiet time. Paul ends this letter talking about Tychicus and how he will fill in the Ephesian believers on how and what Paul was doing as well as to encourage them and Paul continues to then briefly state his love again for those believers. Now, the way Paul concluded this letter got me thinking. Paul poured into who knows how many people and God provided countless opportunities for him to make disciples and he was faithful to take those opportunities and pour everything he had into those God brought to him. It made me think about the people God has blessed me with getting to see begin and grow in their walks with God. I've been able to see God take hold of lives, I've seen their worlds be rocked by how His word teaches, rebukes, corrects, and trains us... There are girls 8 years ago who I was able to see as little awkward 7th graders who are now discipling others. Today He still blows my mind about the girls He has brought even recently who I get to see hunger for growth and maturity in. The question I have to ask myself is am I as passionate about pouring into people as Paul was. Do I care about them even in the most trying times of my personal life? He was caring about them even while he was in prison, but I'll be honest and say when I'm going through struggles I'm not necessarily still putting them above myself. I don't know, I guess it just me thinking about how Paul talks about "making the most of every opportunity" and do I really do that? It can almost become more of a job then being passionate about making disciples... it's sad but on the mission field more than anywhere it can become very true. I'm just glad that God helped me to remember what it's about and what true discipleship should look like.

Jinja SS

So in Jinja, there's this secondary school (high school) that is considered to be one of (if not the) largest schools in East Africa. For a lot of last year I had been trying to get into that school to teach a Bible study, but to no avail. Then God just opened some awesome doors, and for almost this whole school year I've been able to meet with a group of students out in one of their grassy areas after school and just dive into our Bibles together. The group started out pretty small, maybe five kids or so... but this term, that number has grown. The average was beginning to be around 17 students meeting together as we studied through the book of Ecclesiastes. It was such an awesome opportunity because they even asked to meet more than once a week, so for this past term we've been meeting every Tuesday and Friday and a bulk of the kids come both times pretty consistently. I loved the mix of students...it was really actually pretty funny because out of the group of students about 3/4 of them were in S1 (kind of like freshmen) and then I had normally three guys from S6 (seniors) and not really anyone from any of the other grades. It's been awesome getting to pour into these guys...oh yeah, did I mention that they were all guys... as a big sister and warning them about the snares of life and the meaningless things we can get distracted by that amount to nothing when we don't have God in our lives. I was so blessed each and every time I was able to meet with them and I just look forward to next year (their school year is now over and they begin their new one in February) and what new opportunities God will bring with these guys!