A new level of transparency

DISCLAIMER: The following has been posted after much contemplation as to whether or not it should be. After wondering if my pride could handle people knowing some of the struggles I face and knowing that I most likely either: 1) am not alone in them or 2)that by sharing them, everyone might get to know what I'm really like instead of just a facade that I can put on most of the time. This blog is pretty much like a journal to me, and I'm not trying to be "preachy", prideful, or show false humility, this is me raw...so please don't judge me too harshly :).

For a while now I've been trying to just kind of avoid the difficulties of leaving (almost) everyone I know and care about for really two years this time and be 8,000+ miles away. It's weird because of how this time of preparing to leave differs from the last time. It definitely is easier in a lot of respects, and I'm definitely not bitter at God for His plan He has for me, but it's still hard to go. I've been so busy that I kind of conveniently side-step really getting too introspective, but as the day is now about a week away, it's getting harder and harder to play like everything is "gum drops and lollipops". The lessons God has been trying to teach me over the past two months are kind of what are really hitting me. It's kind of like the "debriefing time" at the end of a big event or a mission trip, where you're just trying to process it all. God is so good for how He does make us His "pet projects" and although it can hurt like a son of a gun, you know it's necessary in continuing in the sanctification process as He seeks to perfect us and make us more and more into the image of His Son.

One area that God has really been teaching me a lot in, is with being judgmental. I'm not kidding, three times in one week there was either a teaching that talked about it or just a verse I had been reading in my quiet time that mentioned it and it was kind of like I couldn't NOT get the fact that God was trying to teach me something. With maturing in our walks with God it becomes easier and easier to look at other believers and look down on them for their lack of maturity because they don't know about x, y, and z, and you consider yourself superior to them because you don't do "that", but then you come to realize that it's that very same attitude that Jesus consistently rebuked the pharisees about and Paul said to the same group in Romans "The Name of God is blasphemed among the Gentiles because of you". I've really got to guard myself of having that ungodly judgmental attitude which is very different from tolerance.

God is also good for how He teaches us the heaviest lessons in our weakest points. I've gotten right on the edge of breaking down and kind of teetered over it for about 5 minutes today and so I knew I just needed some time to "be still" and just stop and allow Him to speak to me in what is a very difficult time for me. I went to one of my favorite coffee shops, got my perfect rainy day beverage, and after some time of reading the Bible and being ministered to through that I decided to read a little Pilgrim's Progress because the teaching this weekend reminded me of what a good book that was. As I was going through it, I realized that all the verses that John Bunyan referred to were the verses that God had been using in my life before I left for Africa the first time. Then God really got my attention with Luke 14:26,27. There is a verse in Matthew that is similar and that was the one that I really had as a key verse when I originally left, but now to really comprehend the whole thing of "hating" your family just hit a whole new level. I should love Christ more than every one and everything and that my love for Him is so strong that in comparison to my love for Him my love for my family is like I hate them. That is definitely something that has to always be at the forefront of my mind when I think of how hard me leaving is on my family. But Jesus doesn't stop there, He drives it in a little deeper with how we should hate their own life and if we don't do that, we CANNOT be His disciple. In order to truly follow Him, I have to love Him with every last thing I have and not hold anything back, not worry about what anyone thinks, but just purely obeying Him and seeking to bring Him glory. Then you've got to bring in verse 27, and getting that in context is a whole other level of "WHAM!!!" Studying today about what that verse really means was awesome because you hear that verse all the time but to have it in the view of my life is pretty intense at the moment. To take up your cross is to lay everything at the feet of Jesus, your thoughts, passions, worries, plans, etc... and submit to Him and His plan (your cross). Just like when Jesus was carrying His own cross (both literally and figuratively) it was painful but He still rejoiced in it because He knew the end purpose of doing it. I need to lay all that I have at His feet and in my life, working in Africa is kind of like my cross, I need to do that with everything I have, not allowing my ideas or plans to get in the way but just seeking "not my will, but His will to be done" and rejoicing in the fact that I get to serve Him here on earth and then when it's all said and done I get to stand before Him and praise Him and see Him in all His glory.

Ok, this was really long, but there you have it. I haven't written very much in a while because I guess it was all a part of my attempt at avoidance, therefore I kind of just laid it all out there finally, and all I can say is..."PHEW!!!"